Grief...missing my Dad.

NOTE:  I wrote this post last night when I did not have access to the internet.  

  It is 11:30 p.m. on August 16^th and I am having my annual visit with my grief.  My visit started late this afternoon as I took my mother to Stillwater.  We spent the evening wandering around Lowe’s looking for the perfect paint color and carpet for her family room addition.  This was a coping trip.  We were supporting each other…holding each other up…just as we did seven years ago…the night my dad died. 

Some years the anniversary of his death comes around and I realize after the fact that the day has come and gone.  Then I have a year like this one.  The grief does not roll me into a ball on the bathroom floor like the first year….but it is ever present.  I am aware of his legacy in my life.  My “Daddy” memories flow swiftly and with great abundance.  I am caught off guard by the quantity that surface. 

Why this year?  I don’t really ask the question.  I have given up questioning how grief works….when it will appear…..how long it will stay..…how I will react. 

It seems to be softer now…...my grief.  Still deep.  Still honest.  Still authentic.  But much softer..…at least around the edges.  I recognize it now and it does not surprise me when I feel it approaching.  Tonight I greet my grief and welcome it to come inside and sit with me…..and it does.  I think back to the night my dad died.  I process my regrets and forgive myself again for not being more assertive in the ER…for not asking more questions…for being nice.  My grief did not bring tears tonight.  Maybe that is what feels softer.  Instead my grief brought memories of my fathers love.  Memories of that ornery twinkle in his eye…..of the way his shoulders moved up and down when he laughed….of how he shifted his weight from side to side when he walked. 

My family has experienced many things since my dad died.  High school and college graduations.....marriages.....births.....life has continued.  It is as he would want it.  He would want us to continue on…..to live.  And so we shall.

It is almost midnight.  My mind correlates the clock to the events of that night….”and then this happened…and then they arrived….and then we were told there was no hope….and then I held his hand as he drifted from us.”

I am content in my grief.

Perfection kills....

Perfection kills!  It kills dreams...it kills relationships...it kills our self esteem.  I should know.  I have struggled with a standard of perfection for many years.  Some people close to me would question that statement because I have failed to reach perfection on every level.  More accurately, the quest for perfection has created a perpetual cycle of failure. 

In an attempt to guarantee perfect actions and therefore perfect results, many of my plans have never gotten out of the planning stage.  The search for perfect plans...perfect actions...and perfect results has caused me to procrastinate in everything from doing my taxes to making a quilt to applying for a new job or trying a new recipe.  I have waited for uninterrupted hours...stress free days...and everyone to be "on board".  But those conditions have never happened....nor will they.  And in the past my failure to attain perfection has perpetuated that sense of failure and hindered the attempt to try again.

In recent years I have worked diligently at letting go of the attempt for perfection.  My focus has shifted toward a new healthier standard.  A standard that reflects what is important to me...not society or the accepted norm.  I no longer feel that my acceptance as a person hinges on what kind of present I give someone...or how elaborate I decorate the birthday cake...or how many blue ribbons I receive at the county fair.  I am good enough.  Yes...I am good enough even when I buy a gift that stays within my budget...or when I opt to let someone else bake the cake...or when I choose not to scurry and hurry to enter exhibits in the fair.

For my sense of approval does not lie outside myself but within myself.  By releasing the pursuit of perfection, I have found an inner acceptance of myself.  And ironically....finding that is almost perfection!

The Power of Relaxation - 2

My vacation is in day three and I have become quite accomplished at being schedule free and having accountability to only myself.  However, I noticed something this morning as I sat facing a huge waterfall eating a late breakfast.  Taking a bite of incredibly fluffy pancakes I felt a slight twinge of something.  Was it sadness?  Was it lonliness?  I allowed the feeling to evolve...to present itself...and soon realized that what I was feeling was the completeness that daily tasks bring to my life.  I love the relaxed schedule I am currently keeping and I have realized how desperately I need to make time for doing nothing.  But I have also realized that when I have time to relax and rejuvenate, I begin to miss those mundane daily tasks that often drive me crazy. 

As I ate my pancakes, I felt a yearning to be in my kitchen mixing the ingredients myself.  I longed to measure the flour...scraping the measuring cup smooth with a knife.  I longed to crack open the egg...challenging myself to do it with one hand...without any shell in the bowl.  I had a desire to pour myself a small glass of milk after measuring out the needed amount for the recipe.  I wanted to see the texture of the batter form in my bowl as I whisked the ingredients together to a smooth, bubbly consistency.  I wanted to search the kitchen for other interesting ingredients to add to the batter...ground flaxseed....walnuts...bananas.  I missed being involved in the process of creating the final product....not just see it on my plate.  

I think this is evidence of another benefit of relaxation.  When we have the opportunity to become quiet, relax fully, and rejuvenate, we find that lost appreciation for our daily lives and the sacredness of the hours that create our days.  It also makes me realize that I do not want to idly sit by and accept my life as it comes to me.  I truly want to be the creator of my life....to mix my life's recipe as I choose...to suit my individual tastes and preferences. 

So...tomorrow  I fly back to my everday life...and I do so with a promise to myself to balance my relaxation and down time with a respect for the tasks of my days.  I have also renewed my vow to honor those daily tasks and truly be present in my life...minute by minute.

The Power of Relaxation

I am on vacation.  It wasn't a planned trip and it pales in comparison to the original summer trip that I was plannning.  But I think it is exactly the trip that I need right now.  My original destination was Italy.  It was a last minute thought but would include touring many locations on my "bucket list".  But...due to a variety of factors...my Italian getaway will have to wait until another time.  Instead...I am enjoying a few days at a beautiful resort in Phoenix, Arizona.  While some people might be disappointed to be in Phoenix following the potential  of Italy....I am not.  This trip has a completely different purpose.  I came here with too much luggage but a very limited agenda.  No historical sites to fit into my day...no paintings or magnificent statues to see...and no "must see" views.  My only agenda is to do what I want...when I want.  I can even change my mind about what I want to do....that is the beauty of this vacation.  I am truly vacating my back home life.  I have left behind the responsibilities that burden me and am focusing on those things that I long to have time for at home.  I am updating my website...studying energy healing...taking exercise classes...and spending alot of time doing nothing. 

There is great value in doing nothing.  Yesterday I laid by the pool listening to the water fall harmoniously from the levels of a nearby water fountain.  As I lay there, my body began to relax and I felt like every part of me was melting into the lounge chair.  When was the last time my body had felt this relaxed?  When had the tension been completely gone from my muscles?  When had my mind been free to wander and wonder wherever and to whatever it wanted?  The answer....too long!

There is tremendous power in relaxation.  It allows our bodies the opportunity to rest and rejuvenate.  It allows our minds the opportunity to clear away unnecessary thoughts and worries.  It gives my spirit a chance to present itself...to be seen in the cool shade of a palm tree and be heard in the gurgling of a peaceful fountain.  It offers every aspect of who I am the time needed to release and recreate so that when I head back to my daily life at home I do so with a fresh perspective, a calm mind, and clear vision for my future.  I will head back with renewed energy and a resolve to make time in my life for relaxation.  Not just on vacation...but as a regular part of my day.

Flexibility

Flexibility.  That word holds a variety of meanings and can describe many different things.  Flexible schedules...flexible bodies...flexible attitudes...even flexible garden hoses.  But in the middle of yoga class last night I realized that I can become more flexible when someone else applies a little pressure...if I will simply breath and release my resistance.

The instructor guides the class into Staff Pose then instructs us to inhale....then exhale and lean forward from the hips keeping the back long.  I move my torso forward into Seated Forward Bend...reaching my hands toward my toes.  The tightness in my hamstrings and lower back limit my forward movement but I continue to breath and try to relax into the stretch.  That was when I felt the instructors hands lightly on my back.  She cued my breathing and on my exhalation she applied a firm pressure to my mid back region.  My torso released forward...my fingers crept closer to my toes...and the muscles in the back of my legs relaxed slightly.  She released for a breath cycle then repeated the sycronized breath and manual pressure again.  My body released even further forward into the stretch each time she pressed her body weight against me...as long as I did not resist the pressure.

That was when I realized the application of this lesson off the yoga mat.  Outside pressure can increase my flexibility...not physically like in yoga class...but emotionally and psychologically.  I can become more flexible in my attitudes and in my views when I am challenged by the pressure from others.  I do not have to agree with their views or attitudes.  However, when I give up my resistance and judgement and open myself up to their viewpoint, I have the opportunity to stretch my own perspective and hone my own opinions.  I must remain calm...breath...and let go into the moment of experience.  I must be willing to endure the external pressure while releasing and relaxing within.  If I do...my flexibility will increase and I will be able to adapt to the challenges that life brings. 

Grounded

We all need a place to land...a place that keeps us grounded and nurtures us.  For some of us it is a location such as a house.  But for others it might be a relationship.  Yet for others it is a religious practice.  The important thing is that we discover what or who helps us stay grounded, keeps us centered, boosts our energy and nurtures us.  Then it is crucial that we cultivate that relationship or practice...that we care for and tend to our home.  We must give attention and energy to what supports us.  Not only in the difficult times of life, but in the easy times as well.  So...pay attention to what and who elevates your energy...inspires you...makes you feel alive and happy.  Then take every step necessary to bring more of that into your life.

Memories of Dad

This time of year is difficult.  Memories of my dad seem to be everywhere partly due to the events occuring around me.  Of course Father's Day was last weekend, which has a different significance for me since my dad died almost seven years ago.  Last weekend was also our local Relay for Life fundraiser for cancer research.  My dad participated in the Relay for Life event each year by releasing homing pigeons as part of the opening ceremonies.  Several times my two daughters helped him with the release.

Two years ago I was asked to give a speech at the Relay for Life opening ceremonies in memory of my dad.  That speech is presented below.  I feel so blessed by the lessons he taught me and the love that he shared.

"I have been asked to share memories of my dad, Bob Farabough, who died from cancer of the esophagus on August 17, 2004.  Tonight I will touch on some personal memories of my dad and share what I learned from his battle with cancer and from his death.

My dad was outnumbered in his own house.  He was the only man in a house with 6 women…five daughters and my mom, Judy.  That fact in itself is a testament to his necessary sense of humor and ever-tested patience.   Although I didn’t truly recognize his sense of humor or his patience until I become an adult.

My dad was our resident expert on many topics….trapping, poultry, horticulture, hunting, and playing practical jokes.  If you needed information on these or many other topics, you could call my dad for the answer.  And I still find myself thinking, “Dad will have the answer to that….I’ll call him.”  And I will forever mourn the loss of his knowledge.

He loved to hunt and in his later years he developed arthritis in his hands and shoulders which made those “easy” shots much more difficult, but he still enjoyed the time spent in the outdoors.  He enjoyed listening to a covey of quail….watching a flock of wild turkeys scurry through the grass, or sitting in a deer stand as the frosty air warmed with the sunrise. 

My dad was openly patriotic and I saw him cry many times when the American flag was displayed or presented.

My dad was a collector and grew up in an era where the philosophy was that everything was valuable and therefore worth saving.  He definitely lived by that philosophy.  He saved every tiny piece if wire and every nail….he saved buckets and boards…cages and crates….twine and tools.  And five years after his death….we are still dealing with his collections!

My dad was kind and caring and befriended people based on “who” they were….not their profession or status in the community or the value of their possessions.  He influenced the lives of thousands of people throughout his lifetime during his Cooperative Extension and 4-H work and I have been blessed to hear from dozens of former 4-H members since my Dad died.  Their stories allowed me to see my dad in a different light….for I knew him as my dad and I could then see him through their eyes.   

My dad loved his family….especially his grandchildren and great-grandchildren….and they changed him over the years.  One of my favorite examples of this involved my two daughters….his only two granddaughters.  My dad was very strict when we were young and I remember him getting upset when my older sister came home from college with her toenails painted pink.  Not bright pink...but a soft light shade of pink.  He said that only "hussies" painted their toenails.  Now fast forward about 25 years and my dad is babysitting my two daughters.  When I arrived to pick them up I was quite surprised to find my daughters sitting on their Pepa's lap...their little fingers spread wide while he painted their fingernails pink.  Not a soft, light shade of pink....but a bright fuschia pink!  Yes....the years definitely changed and softened my dad.

My dad was a storyteller and always had a new story to tell….usually very animated and descriptive.  And he used some of the strangest sayings when he spoke.  Our family always told him he should write a book about his sayings.  Some of his common sayings were:  “Half a bubble off plumb.”  … “One brick short of a load.” … “He was so broke he couldn’t even pay attention.”  But the family favorite was, “What in the cat hair?” which could be used in the same context as “What in the world?”

My dad traditionally prayed at our family gatherings and he always ended the prayer with these words.  “Lord we ask that you be with the less-fortunate, the hungry and the homeless.  And we pray that you see fit to bring peace to the world.”

My dad was like every other person here tonight…he had his shining moments and his failures….he was strong yet weak…..he was courageous yet afraid….he was confident yet insecure….he showed tremendous care for others yet was sometimes self-centered….he was human.

When I started working on this speech, my mom said she wanted me to mention that she missed his feet.  That statement puzzled me at first but she continued on to explain its meaning.  Their bed didn’t have a footboard.  It was just open at the end of the bed.  When my mom came into the bedroom during the night, she would hold her hand out as she walked along the end of the bed.  When she felt his feet, she knew where she was in the room and could make her way safely into bed.  He was her point of reference.  Without him, she must find her way alone in the dark.  I think this story serves as a metaphor with great significance….because my dad was the point of reference for my mom and our family unit.  He was our compass…our grounding point.  When he was here, we knew where we stood in relation to each other….where we fit in the family.  He was the thread that wove through our lives….binding us together.  In his absence, we have each had to look individually for a new point of reference…a new grounding point….a new compass within the family.  My mom has become just that.  She has become that binding thread that weaves delicately, yet resolutely through all our lives holding us up as a family. 

After my dad was diagnosed with cancer, he began the fight that so many of you are familiar with.  He began the typical radiation and chemotherapy treatments and did so with a positive attitude and a brave face for his family and friends.  But I occasionally wonder how and what he was truly feeling.   For my dad refused to discuss his fears and anxieties with his family.  We all just thought that positive thinking, good medical care, and diligent prayer would win out…. We just thought he was ornery and tough enough to beat it.   So we received a huge reality check when he died.  How I wish now I had insisted on those discussions!

 For I was not prepared for his death….and I will never know if he was either….I will never know if he had come to terms with dying.  Our family was thrown, like many families, into that vast spiral of mourning and grief with regrets of things left unsaid, emotions not expressed, and assurances not given.   And I have learned the hard way that grieving is one of the most individual and intimate processes we will ever experience as human beings.  What is healing for one person doesn’t work at all for another….and as a society we are incredibly uncomfortable with grief.  A friend shared her own experience after my dad died….she told me that when her husband died, a friend told her that after a month, nobody  wanted to hear about her grief….she should just keep it to herself and get over it.  When I shared that story at work, my boss looked at me and said, “Beth, I don’t believe that!” and she gave me permission to grieve.  She told me I could grieve, cry, talk, get angry, and reminisce as often and for as long as I needed.  I am very thankful for that haven…a place to mourn when I thought I had to be strong everywhere else.

So this is the part of the message I hope stays with you tonight.  The diagnosis of cancer is an opportunity.  Let me repeat that….The diagnosis of cancer is an opportunity.  It is an opportunity to talk about the tough stuff….the taboo stuff.  It is the time to lay everything on the table….to have the argument….to make amends…..to have the reconciliation.  It is an opportunity to laugh, to cry, to hug each other, to love, to live…….to say yes….or to say no.  But ideally we won’t wait for a diagnosis….we will do all those things now….simply because we can.

We never know what our lives hold for us.  My dad had only six month from diagnosis to death….we may have more time…..or we may have less.  But I have come to realize through grieving my dad, that the best way for us to honor our loved ones is to truly live this life…..with authenticity and with our own unique passion and God-given purpose.  To shape each day with attention, intent, and mindfulness so as those days accumulate into weeks, months, and years they ultimately form the context of the life we want to live….a life that is a truthful representation of who we are …..a life that exemplifies our values and beliefs.    

And right about now….I can hear my Dad saying, “Kid, what in the cat hair are you doing?  I think you have talked long enough!”  Thank you.

Getting Back Up

I fell out of a pose in yoga class yesterday.  Nothing but my pride was injured and surprisingly my pride didn't suffer much or for long.  It was a very basic shoulder stretch before the instructor gave an unfamiliar option to increase the difficulty.  Without hesitating, I lifted my right leg into the air and moved into the more difficult positon...for a very brief moment.  Then, I lost my balance and rolled onto my side.  Immediately I thought of a little child learning to crawl...how they wobble and fall over again and again. 

I laughed out loud as I toppled over. But I was immediately encouraged by the instructor who said that everyone falls out of the pose the first time they try it.  So...back into the pose I went.  And this time my body adjusted...muscles were contracted more fully...my body weight was more evenly distributed....and my breath was more even.  And...I lifted my right leg and held the pose.  It wasn't long until we move into a different pose but I successfully held it. 

My most recent yoga lesson is a reminder to myself to continue to get back up.  To learn from the initial experience and make adjustments for success.  For there is truly no shame in the falling...everyone does it.  The only shame lies in refusing to get back up and try again.  For if we don't try we will never succeed.   

Comfort Zones

There are times in my life when I need someone to challenge me...not in an adversarial way...just a firm, solid push that moves me across the outer perimeter of my comfort zone.  I am quite familiar with the well-defined boundary of my comfort.  I cling to it...balancing right on the edge. 

Often I see something just outside my reach.  Something alluring that speaks to me.  I rise up on my toes...balancing....teetering...stretching my outreached fingers toward the goal.  Predictably, I lose my balance and pull back.  I collect myself and regain my composure having barely escaped the vulnerability of a fall outside my comfort zone.  I catch my breath.

Other times I reach with determination, grasping the target of my reach and swiftly pull it toward me.  But I do not venture across that treacherous line.  This feat may initially feel like an achievement but the successful feeling quickly fades - constricted by the size of my comfort zone. 

What is truly amazing is when I teeter on the precipice of what I know then choose to step with purpose and intent beyond my previous experience.  When I acknowledge what is possible beyond that boundary and choose to step toward it without the guarantee of a specific outcome...that may be uncomfortable, but can also open me up for incredible personal growth.

I have experienced this opportunity for personal growth many times.  Recently it came during a yoga class.  I was moving up from the beginner class and making my first attempt at Power Yoga.  The name scared me.  Power.  Yoga.  But I unrolled my mat...determined to give my best during the class.  As the class progressed I realized that I am accustomed to stopping an exercise when it becomes difficult.  I am a fitness instructor and I format my class.  I determine what exercises we do...what the duration and intensity will be... and we definitely don't do anything I don't like to do.  So...as we held Goddess Pose and my thighs began to quiver and sweat started dripping off my brow, I realized that I need to be the student.  As we moved into Half Moon, I understood the need to give up orchestrating and do more enduring.  I need to do things that are difficult...not just the things that I am good at or that come easily.  I need to be pushed beyond what is comfortable.

So...thank you to all my teachers, mentors, family and friends who nudge me ever closer to the edge of change...through discomfort...through uncertainty...through fear...and into a new, much larger comfort zone. 

Retreat Aftermath

It is Monday morning and I am having trouble focusing on the necessary work tasks on my to-do list.  I spent the past weekend with 15 amazing women in a transitions yoga retreat.  It was wonderful and energizing but exhausting at the same time.  We were an eclectic group.  Young...old...starting education programs...retired from education programs...married...single...in and out of relationships...classy...earthy...Christian...Buddhist...spiritual seekers...but all with a sincere intention to know ourselves more fully. 

It is always interesting and often difficult to look within and come face to face with my true self...honest answers...clarified reflections...hard-edged reality.  Do not misunderstand...the process of self reflection holds tremendous value for me.  But without the follow-up of focused actions to support the new clarity, the value is diminished and my life remains as it is. 

So...I am in the middle of creative change.  A familiar place in recent years.  I am gathering the bits and pieces of self-awareness, the threads of ah-ha moments and the beads and baubles of authenticity.  I am weaving and stitching...crafting and creating...working frantically but with precision.  I am designing the ever evolving tapestry of my life.  Making an adjustment here...cutting something away there...adding...purging...looking closely...standing back for the full view. 

It is beautiful!  This tapestry of my life.  It is perfectly flawed.  It is brightly colored with occasional splotches of depression and disappointment.  It has gaping holes where I have ripped out the stitches and they have yet to be repaired or replaced.  But it also has marvelous texture from the fabrics and yarns.  There are sparkling beads of love...caring...family...and friends.  And the silky thread of wisdom is woven throughout...peaking out of the yarn and fabric intermittently.  This wisdom thread is invisible at times, but it is always present, holding the components of my tapestry together.

So...as I work to apply the revelations of the weekend I am adding to and modifying my tapestry.  I am cutting hindering fabric away...adding stitches of truth...embellishing with enlightenment....and stitching it together with wisdom.

As I stand back I realize...it truly is beautiful!!

Life Learning Curves

I helped my youngest daughter look for apartments this week.  It was difficult.  It is always a challenge to watch your child struggle with the decisions of life, but this seemed more difficult than usual.  She graduated with her bachelors degree a week ago with the enticing title of a new job.  There was excitement...there was laughter...there was fun with family and friends.  Then reality hit.  Her life would never be the same.  She is at the start of a life learning curve.

The world she has known for the past five years is fading.  Change is ever present and she can not escape it.

After a morning of apartment hunting, we stopped for lunch at a favorite Mexican restaurant where the magnitude and impact of the decisions at hand fell upon my daughter like the weight of the world.  It is scary to change the complete make up of your life.  It takes courage to move away from what you have known...from where you are comfortable.  But that is how we grow and evolve.  It isn't realistic to think that we will move through life without doubt or questions or even regret.

The truth is that we navigate our life with a twinge of fear in our belly...with the questions of inexperience in our minds...and with faith.  But if we listen quietly to our inner voice, the fear will diminish as our experience and wisdom builds.  Not that the fear isn't present...but we learn that fear must not guide us in our life's decisions.  It is usually a hard lesson and most of us must learn it incrementally over time.  As George S. Patton once said, "Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." 

I am proud of my daughter and I hope she can continue to look for the positive aspects of this phase of her life.  For with change comes an incredible opportunity to create the life you desire.